THE ANOINTING AND THE ANOINTED -MODERN CHRISTIANITY'S CURSE

The word 'anointing' is probably the worst word that has been introduced to the Nigerian Christian’s vocabulary in recent years. Like the word ‘gay' that used to mean ‘merry' and now means 'homosexual', ‘anointing' has been infused with new and inferior meanings. Anointing used to refer to the power of God at work to change lives and bring men closer to God by his miracles or judgement. And the anointed was the vessel through which God accomplished these works. The vessel was never really that important because God used sticks (Moses’ rod), animals (Prophet Balaam’s donkey), as well as people. It was his power that was important, not the vessel. However, in this modern era of Christianity, the anointed has gained significantly more prominence over the anointing and has begun to Lord it over the people of God. The anointing now stands for the ability to make money from, entertain, manipulate and/or bully church members and communities to submit to the will of the so-called anointed leader of a congregation or denomination in the name of God. It is experienced as goosebumps, excited exuberance, gyrations and screams in service, falling under the power, beautiful aesthetics, highfalutin words, and prophetic blessing or cursing. For example, an unentertaining choir will most likely not be considered anointed and any church experience that gives congregants ecstatic euphoria is considered very anointed. Really?! People seem to forget that Pharaoh’s magicians performed the same miracles as Moses with their sorcery. And much like ‘gay', the nouveau Christianity welcome the new definition of the 'anointing' and it’s new ‘anointed’ carriers as an accepted way of life.
I wonder at times if we haven’t seen people falling out at a Michael Jackson concert? Haven’t we felt goosebumps listening to Whitney Houston or some other musician sing an inspirational song? Have we not heard secular/non-Christian speakers make accurate predictions about the future? Are these people anointed because they create these effects or do these things? Many Christians will answer, yes. Therein lies the problem. Nigerian church leaders, the new class of anointed, have attracted and cultivated a gullibility in their followers that world-class illusionists and hypnotists should take heed to learn from. Be sober, be vigilant, be cautious at all times for your enemy, the devil, roams around like a lion seeking whom he may devour. Watch and pray. These are Bible admonitions given to Christians, but many are too busy defending the anointed while the enemy continues to steal, kill and destroy in their lives. 
It would seem like the more anointed a Pastor is, the more money he is expected to have. The thinking of many pastors is summarized in this scripture, ”a poor man’s wisdom is quickly despised”. The interpretation often given to scriptures like this is sometimes baffling. Statements like “no money, no respect” which has defined our society’s way of life arise from it. This aside, how about Jesus? Was he rich in his earthly ministry? Matthew, Mark, Luke and John show us that he had influence and his needs were met as he trusted God to meet them but he did not have wealth, neither did he merchandise his power or teachings like his so-called messengers now do. In fact Paul said, Jesus was made poor for our sake. The concluding part of that scripture says that we through his poverty might become rich. Let me quickly make a point here before the prosperity preachers start frothing at the mouth. Was Apostle Paul (the man who wrote this scripture) rich himself? Was Timothy, his protégé rich? Remember the warning Paul gave to Timothy about Christians whose motive is to get rich. He said, many have wandered away from the faith because of it and have pierced themselves with many sorrows. He further tells Timothy to teach those who are rich not to be proud and not to trust in their money. Paul must not have heard about the new “if you’ve got it, flaunt it” gospel. James said, “listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming on you…You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered the innocent one, who was not opposing you.” “The son of man has no place to lay his head”, it was said about Jesus. This is how rich Jesus Christ, the Father of Christianity, was. I use the term “Father of Christianity” because every pastor is ‘Papa’ and a “Father in the Lord” today. If they are indeed in the Lord, Christ, they would obey him, but are they? The love of money is the root of all evil, yet many congregations are taught to love money, seek money, and celebrate money every Sunday morning. Trust these new anointed men of God to reinterpret scripture for us. Hypnotists take note. 
Nevertheless scriptures do not condemn Christians to poverty rather they suggest that riches or lack thereof should be irrelevant to our walk with God, rather than this place of prominence that it has taken in our worship. Jesus said, “Be careful to guard against all forms of greed, because even if someone is rich, his life does not consist in what he owns.” Apostle Paul said, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want”. However, our new anointed pastors will teach "5 secrets of prosperity" and "10 steps to your financial freedom" but the secret of being content in every situation of life, Never! How can you talk about lack? It is a curse, isn’t it? Paul must not have read that memo that’s why he would dare suggest learning to be content even when in lack. It is unfortunate that many Christian ministers are compromised; collecting money from drug dealers, scammers, thieves, and corrupt government officials who come to give “tithes” and “prophetic offerings” to their anointed men of God. Using these monies to build schools and giant auditoriums do not make the gift any more holy than the ill means by which they were got. You may remember some years ago when Lawrence Agada, a senior cashier with Sheraton Hotels and Towers paid Christ Embassy N39 million in the name of sowing seed. How the cashier came about such money while his salary from the hotel was ostensibly his only source of income was not the church’s concern. The ministry was just glad to receive the money and to my knowledge, never paid it back. Before we criticize this ministry as being uniquely bad, let’s be aware that this is not only common practice but has been raised to level of epidemic in churches around us today. Pastors have become the new “babalawos” of modern thieves. They proclaim blessings in exchange for gifts. Prophet offering! It’s a nice scam that’s paying its proponents  big dividends. This is not so much a new phenomenon as a reincarnation in a new Christian order. The Italian mafia and some Catholic priests have historically had a similar relationship for several generations until the recent purge attempt by Pope Francis. 
A more amazing phenomenon and a case study for future hypnotist and illusionists is that congregations will defend their ‘anointed’ men of God even with evidence of impropriety. Anointed men/women of God may misappropriate church funds and the congregation whose funds have been spent on personal gain will be the first to fight you for speaking up. Church members will tell you "I don’t care what they do with the money. My part is to obey God. Let God deal with them”. Interesting! You can see how God has been dealing with them as they build bigger houses, travel round the world at your expense, live in 5-star hotels, give expensive gifts to their girlfriends, buy new cars and jets, while you can hardly pay your child’s school fees, right? All these despite the fact that many of these pastors have no other jobs. Have you heard pastors brag on their pulpits that they don’t need their congregation’s financial gifts. I’ve noticed that many full -time pastors who dare say such things have milked their member’s money and contacts for several years prior and long enough to build and establish theirs and their spouse’s businesses, so now they can brag. However in an interesting twist, this reverse psychology, seems to inspire their congregation to give to them even more money. These gullible congregations and their anointed men of God definitely deserve each other.  
When a pastor sleeps around, the usual attitude and responses from faithfuls are “Who are you to speak about it?” “Leave him to God.” “He’s God servant. God will deal with him.” And the all time classic “Touch not his anointed.” They continue to say this until it’s them, their sister, daughter, wife, mother, or friend that the Pastor has seduced/impregnated and then they sing a different tune. How very spiritual indeed. An anointed man of God may sleep with church members and get away with it as long as he’s still perceived as being 'anointed'. By the way, whatever happened to Biodun Fatoyinbo’s robust response to the sexual allegation by Ese Walters. I must have missed it. After writing this, I’m expecting the usual threats, curses, unsolicited advice and warnings about my daring to talk about an “anointed man of God” in this manner or my insolence at referring to an anointed man of God without his title. By the way, true respect is earned, not automatically given or even demanded. That’s another thing this  hypocritical culture needs to learn.  
Have you noticed that the more recognition a man of God has, the bigger his  church congregation is expected to be, even if he is a crook. If a pastor has a small congregation, he must not be that anointed. It’s as if the crowd around him is an indication of the level of his anointing. So there’s an unholy drive for church growth by all means. How dare a pastor of a small congregation speak up against the teachings of one with a bigger congregation? The half-brained and generally accepted reasoning among church goers is that he must be jealous of what the bigger pastor has and so should shut up without them even analyzing the merits of what was said. So the truthiness of an issue is now determined by what the more influential man of God says it is. How interesting! Furthermore, pastors of large congregations are quick to quote from the Acts of the Apostles that when the anointing came on the church, many people were added to the church. However, they forget that Jesus was sometimes without a large congregation and he, unlike them, had the anointing without measure. Remember when Jesus told the crowd that they had to eat his body and drink his blood? Everybody left him except his true disciples which were few in number. Think about how many people would remain in Church if the pastor ever told the truth that corrupt officials, scammers, and fornicators would not inherit the Kingdom of God, no matter how much prophet offering they brought to him. You can’t buy your way into heaven. Funny thing is that congregations might actually point to their pastors as the most guilty. I will go further to talk about John the Baptist who when he was losing his crowds to Jesus and his disciples asked him about it said, Jesus must become greater, I must become less.
Somebody should tell that to some church people like Winner’s chapel members who call on the "god of our Father, Bishop David Oyedepo". A church where the Bishop is increasingly getting bigger than Jesus Christ himself. That’s why he’ll slap a young girl who claimed to be a “witch for Jesus” and otherwise intelligent people would think it’s ok. Sure, it’s fine as long as the witch is an unsophisticated, semi-educated girl from Imo State. I wonder how this would have played out if she had turned out to be the daughter of a Senator or some other prominent member of society. Here’s a litmus test: take the name of Jesus in vain or curse in Jesus’ name around many Winners (indeed many Christians) and they may not notice and some may go as far as frowning. But you tell the truth about their anointed Prophet’s unbiblical conduct or proclamations and get ready for hell. It’s an interesting phenomenon where the messenger is honored more than his master, isn’t it? To be fair, this illusion is not limited to Winners Chapel. Or should we talk about T. B. Joshua who may have inadvertently murdered over a hundred people by the collapse of his church building. He then tries to pull the wool over everyone’s face that it was a UFO or Boko Haram’s fault. Abracadabra! Now you see me, now you don’t. Welcome to Illusionist 101. He would mostly likely be acquitted of any wrongdoing by whatever pseudo-investigation is conducted by the Nigerian government. Nicholas Ibekwe’s recording of T. B. Joshua’s press briefing may shed more light on tactics being adopted. But really, so the god of Bishop David Oyedepo answers prayer differently than God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. We need to investigate this god further. The god of Bishop David Oyedepo does the impossible. It gives you children even though you don’t have a womb. It raises the dead. It gives you wealth beyond your imagination. It even gives Oyedepo power to curse anyone that dares criticize his words or actions and it comes to pass. Very interesting! Remember Pharaoh’s magicians? Just saying!
We have become men worshippers, haven’t we? Worshipping E. A. Adeboye, Umai Ukpai, David Oyedepo, Chris Oyakhilome, T. B. Joshua, Matthew Ashimolowo, Kenneth Hagin, Kenneth Copeland or any other celebrity pastors out there. I’ll be surprised if I don’t get cussed out by some people just for mentioning the names of their god - excuse me - anointed man of God, here. “You shall have no other god besides me”, the Bible says. We are to “serve God without respect of persons”. Isn’t it ironical that these so-called anointed preachers will actually teach their congregations this but will expect this same congregation to respect their own opinion more than the Bible’s. These anointed men will even go as far as to teach that God’s leading in your life and even your conscience is subject to their spiritual guidance. Some will teach this directly and still others will invite another ‘anointed’ celebrity pastor to teach this to their people to give it more weight and make it seem like it’s not just their own opinion. Church members are further taught to fight people who criticize their anointed men of God and like heedless sheep they fight when a cross word is spoken about their Bishop but will not even flinch when the cross is disparaged.
If Christ is not the center of your Christian worship, you are not a Christian. Period. You may be a Redeemer, a Deeper Lifer, a Winner or whatever moniker your congregation is known by but certainly not a Christian. Let’s stop deceiving ourselves. The scriptures say, “looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith”, not looking at an anointed man. The scripture doesn’t even say looking unto Jesus through your anointed man. The man of God is a servant, not a boss! He’s a tool that God uses and is not to Lord it over you, even if he’s so anointed that he floats in the sky. 
As anointed as Peter was, so much that his shadow was healing the sick, Paul called him to order in a way that would have caused a scandal in today’s churches. Furthermore it was on a matter that would have been considered trivial. Peter had retreated from eating with the Gentiles in Antioch for fear of the Jews who came from Apostle James in Jerusalem and many Jews followed his example including Barnabas. So what?! But Paul seeing Peter's duplicity publicly accused him of being a hypocrite. I sometimes daydream of how this would have played out if it was David Oyedepo, Chris Oyakhilome, Chris Okotie or other ‘great’ Presiding Prelate or General Overseer in Nigeria who was in Peter’s place. First of all members of their congregation would probably have accosted Paul and asked him how he had the effrontery, and audacious temerity to talk to a General of God like that, especially one of Peter’s revered status. The anointed man of God would probably also have preached a sermon and written Paul through his Communications Director. He would have asked Paul where he was throughout the three and a half years of Jesus’ ministry on the earth, when he, Peter, was learning how to do ministry directly, unadulteratedly from the master, Jesus Christ himself. He would have told him how he was one of the few who witnessed Jesus’ earthly ministry from the beginning to the end; how he was one of only 3 other human beings who were with Jesus at the Mount of Transfiguration, who saw Moses and Elijah and heard God’s voice boom, “This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased: hear ye him”; how he, Peter, had walked on water just like Jesus and how many people did Paul know who walked on water. He would have told Paul about how he had attended a wedding where he witnessed Jesus’ first miracle and was one of the last to see him ascend to heaven. He would told him how he was one of the 3 inner circle members of the 12 disciples who later became Apostles. He would have made Paul feel that he did not fear spiritual authority by not realizing that when Jesus was ascending to heaven, he left him, Peter, in charge of the church. But he didn’t, because in spite of all of these great spiritual experience he had, in that moment, Peter was a hypocrite and was leading the Church astray by his actions. So rather, Peter humbly accepted the correction of a nobody; a man who had been a persecutor of the church; who had never met Jesus before he was crucified; who had no title or position in the church administration. For Peter, the truth was bigger than his ego. Someone needs to teach this to the many tin-gods, with over-bloated sense of self importance, who mount Nigerian Church pulpits every Sunday.
Just for a moment, if you are old enough, think back to what Christianity looked like before these words ‘anointing’ and ‘anointed’ became common place among Nigerian Christians and tell me that Christianity has taken a turn for the better. I don’t smoke or do drugs but if you think Christianity has, I’d like to try whatever it is you are smoking or sniffing so we can hallucinate together. Let’s leave all this anointing nonsense and let’s get back to what Christianity is about, reconciling the world back to God through the preaching of repentance from dead works and acceptance of the redemptive work of Christ on the cross of calvary, so that he, Christ, can return to take his own. Finally, if your pastor’s opinion has a bigger sway on your life than what the Word of God actually says, you need to snap out of the hypnotism is all I’m saying. So now, how many fingers am I holding up?

by Adetoye Oremosu

WMD: WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION/ DECEPTION IN THE CHURCH (PART1)

This piece particularly has nothing to do with the present $9.3m money laundering scandal involving the president of The Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) and his private jet, but a well-thought-out topic that is part of a project that I’m currently working on.

In the next few weeks, I’ll be rolling out the subsequent parts in furtherance of the discussion.
Many christians of my generation grew up in a different Church! Yes! A very different Church. Like many other things, the Church since ceased to be what it used to be.
Before going any further, I think it is pertinent to put this piece in perspective. I would like to state that my formative years were the 70s and 80s, this might probably help to comprehend this discourse.
No doubt, 70s and 80s were light years gone past. Many things have changed and while some have changed for better, others for worse. Those were the years of scarce technology when apple was merely a fruit and had nothing to do with technology; windows were absolutely openings in the wall or roof of a building or vehicle while the only cloud we had could be found in the sky.
The cloud now has an ‘I’ attached to it, and competes with others virtual clouds.
In the same way, the old church seemed to be long gone. We grew up knowing a Church that was mostly a place of worship; a citadel of morality; a place where uprightness and godliness were taught by examples; a place where evil was rebuked; evildoers chastised, corrected and restored; and a training ground for righteousness.
The Church was also an essential part of the growing up of many Christians because it was effectively complementing the efforts of the families and schools in instilling strong moral lessons of life in breeding a godly and responsible generation.
Then, the Church built and ran Missionary Schools, health centers and other facilities for reasons different from making profits. Their heavily subsidized services were available and affordable to all and sundry regardless of their faiths.
Pastors then were men of impeccable characters who would live the word they preached. They were simply leading by example. You could go to a pastor and be sure to be built up by his godly counsel; strengthened from your fear and be given hope that all will be all right even in your gravest despair.
Then, God was the focus and the preachers knew that they were just vessels of God’s choice to bring about the good news.
That was the Church! That was the Church we grew up to know! That was then! Not anymore! It was the old Church! Sadly, the Church is just about the opposite of what it used to be. The Church has exploded in number yet deflated in integrity and morality, and it is so permissive of evil deeds and tolerant of questionable characters as both leaders and followers.
What has happened to the Church?
The very people who are to keep the church are the same people who have led the schemes that have brought it down to its knees; the same people who are to help build the Church to stop the gates of Hades from prevailing are the very ones who have turned it to the gateway of hell. The leaders of the Church have become the real enemies of the church.
They have helped build a Church that has grown massively in size as much as in ungodliness. A Church where lies, heresy, half-truth are fed to the increasingly spiritually lazy congregants, who are encouraged to depend on the leaders for their spiritual blessing and upliftment.
The vessel is now the focus. Alas, the men of God have become the gods of men building cult personalities around themselves.
The congregants are not also without blame of complicity. In their spiritual laziness and sheer convenience, they readily take in every word that comes from the pulpit without giving any thought to being Berean Christians.
Acts 17:11- Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.
They enjoyed being told what they wanted to hear and abhor the very few messages and messengers who tell them what they should hear.
So what are the weapons of mass destruction (WMD) from the arsenal of the enemies of the Church?
Join me in the second part where God willing, I will be itemizing and analyzing the weapons the enemies of the Church are deploying to bring the Church down. The first weapon to be discussed is the Word of God.
See you soon. Can't wait! Can you?

The writer, Rufus Kayode Oteniya, can be reached at - Credit to Sahara Reporters oteniyark@hotmail.com

NIGERIAN CHURCHES AND THEIR INDIVIDUAL MADNESS (PART 4) HOUSEHOLD CHURCH OF GOD

Pastor Chris Okotie, divorcee par excellence, vocabulary confusionist, Casanova-in-the-Lord, Nigeria’s imaginary president, and debonair to the core. Whoever told Christians that they cannot marry more than one wife intentionally wanted to make the PIMPINGstry--sorry ministry--difficult for Pastor Okotie. One busy-body said that divorce is to Okotie what strike is to ASUU; some people with their foul mouth, they won’t mind their business. 
The other day, I had this dream how I was on Frank Edoho’s hot seat of MTN’s "Who Wants To Be A Millionair"e TV show. In the dream, Frank Edoho asked this Son of David right here:
“Which of these mammals is Okotie likely to be if he was a four legged creature?”

A- Baboon
B- Dog
C- Both a and b
D- All of the above

Ignorant me, I did not know the answer, so I went for the “ask-the-audience”, lifeline. Before I could read the audience’s answers, my alarm clock woke me up. I wanted to go back and continue the dream, but as I closed my eyes, I had a dream that I was saved a divorced note. That is how I woke-up and sleep left me for one week. But thank goodness that as I was watching the First Lady deliver a speech on TV, sleep suddenly tore our divorce papers. Dia ris miracle!
Chris Okotie
When I lived in Benin City, my neighbor Mama Osas one day was boiling hot at her son, Osas. Trust Benin woman with her vex: “Your Papa no play geetar (the Benin accent of guitar). Me your Mama, Efe no play geeta, why you wan disgrace me turn geeta boy on top all the money wey I don spend for your matter for school?”
“Mama na music me I wan do. It is my passion!” Osas defended.
“If music finish leave you”, continued Mama Osas “wetin you go come do nkor?”
It was there I interfered to appease Mama Osas’ fears: “Mama Osas, no worry, if music finish leave am him go resign go do pastor work”.
Mama Osas, stubbornly pressed: “If preaching finish nkor?” “Mama preaching no dey finish o."
I argued, “you fit preach anything. But if preaching finish, you fit go contest for President talk say na God tell you say you go turn President. That wan no hard na, shooo!”
The dissatisfied Mama Osas, pressed further: “If as pastor you talk say God say him go make you President then you come loose nkor?”
“Mama Osas, hmmm”, I paused. “If you be pastor were contest for President come loose. Na him e be say your party na Fresh Democratic Party (FDP). Even God wey tell you say you go win go turn around vote PDP put for power.”
Na just story I dey talk o before dem “Babatards” carry my matter like divorce matter.

Study has shown that a medical student would most likely finish his/her 7 year medical course, get a job and marry but Okotie will remain single. It went ahead to submit that the medical student will have a child who may grow up to meet Okotie single. I don’t even know who conducted this kind of amebo study and even had the nerve to tag it “the PromiscuOkotie report”. Is marriage by force? Doesn’t the bible say that each one is given his gift- to some the gift of marrying multiple times and then to others the gift of divorcing. We are not all the same, to each man his grace. I don’ know what it is with these people with marriage, after all Paul in the bible was an unmarried man. However, some researchers took the submission of this study very seriously that the subject was brought before T.B Joshua for counseling and deliverance and this is what transpired:

T. B Joshua: Explain yourself! You the spirit tormenting this vessel, show yourself! What kind of spirit are you?

[Doing what spirits normally do in the Synagogue cinema]

Okotie: I am a strong man.

T. B: What kind of strong man are you? Speak up! What did you do to him?

Okotie: I am the spirit of singlehood, divorce and anti-marriage. I destroyed his marriage.

T.B: Don’t waste my time! How did you destroy his marriage?

Okotie: I made him to be speaking big, big grammar to his wife. His wife does not understand him; even in the room. You can also call me spirit of big grammar.

T. B: Give us an example, fast!

Okotie: Like one time, he took his wife to the room and said: “honey, I am experiencing some biological function which has led to an erection, and in order for me to satisfy this compulsion of the male humanoid extraction, I will have spread thee into a situation of fashionable dissection in order to make the budgetary allocation for my intended penetration. If you get me clearly, can I hear you say awhahaha?

T. B: What else have you done to him?
Okotie: I made him not to open his church branches in other places except Lagos.
T. B: Why is this so?

Okotie: haba! He is not even done with the women in Lagos, if I allow him to open a branch in a place like Calabar or Port-Harcourt, do you want him to die? T.B you sef, try think am now; if they kill him for me, who will I possess?

Another thing I do wonder about Okotie's church is whether it is a church service or a potential site for assassination. I mean what the heck are those mean bodyguards and policemen doing around the altar? Is somebody planning to assassinate our dear preacher? That was how I attended the service sometime ago and out of fear of looking into the eyes of the mean guards, I dropped my wallet into the offering box and could not put my back in there to retrieve it out of fear of being mistaken as a security threat. "No be me dem go use learn work!" So I passed.

What happened to the protection from angels? I do not understand how men who claim they that are spokesmen of a being of omnipotent credential will rely on the fortresses and arms of men. Perhaps the angels are on strike and cannot protect him. I thought people who say they have a better place in heaven should be happy to welcome any situation that will arrange their transition to their celestial mansions. Probably they do not want meet their father heaven out of their plenty misdeeds or they do not even believe in the heaven they profess. Men who claim their kingdom is not of this world but have no intention of transcending to the kingdom they profess is theirs.

I’m just speechless

Imoh "Son of David" is a Nigerian atheist, author, publisher, and businessman. He writes from South Africa. Follow him on Twitter and share your thoughts @ImohDavid.

NIGERIAN CHURCHES AND THEIR INDIVIDUAL MADNESS (PART 3) WINNERS CHAPEL

Winners Chapel aka Living Faith Church is arguably the most successful franchise from the pulpit. With so many great feats attached to the international franchise: the largest church auditorium, the largest church worship in a single service, the richest preacher with the largest fleet of private jets and collections of exorbitant schools and of course the largest attraction of arrogant and pompous Christians in this part of the world. If you want to learn how to be an arrogant narcissist in the Lord, Winners Chapel is all you need for your schooling. 
Papa Oyedepo, as he is fondly addressed, is the ultimate icon of pulpitarian glamour. The pastorpreneur of pastorpreneurs. The captain of “churchdustry”, the preacher which other preachers wish to be like and even more. The alpha-priest with an uncanny anointing “extort-ordinaire". So great is this anointing “extort-ordinaire” that the UK could not handle, and out of their colonial love and passion, they ensured our awesome product is contained in our territory.
Can “oyinbo” (British people for that matter), be so nice and generous to the same people who they seek to control in the past? I’m just wondering why the UK will not return our stolen artifacts but will generously return our Papa without us even asking. Can anyone be this nice in returning a priced treasure to the owners at no cost? But anyway, thank you for giving us our Papa, you (oyinbo people) do not know anything that is good for you. We know, so, we keep him fed and fat.
David Oyedepo
That was how one “amebo” busybody colleague back then told me to my face that my Papa is an arrogant man and that he likes slapping people recklessly. He even had the nerve to mention “OLEdepo” into my ears! Aaaaah! I slapped the idiot! How can he talk rubbish about my Papa? Doesn’t he know that slapping and cursing was part of the curriculum my Papa received during his more than 12 hours of revelation before he began ministry? Don’t you know that he is a God of man, sorry Man of God and he can do whatever he likes? You people talk any how against my Papa; you will incur the wrath of God o! But it’s okay (sha) if my Papa acts anyhow, talks and slaps people as he pleases. He cannot incur the wrath of God because he is the God of man, sorry Man of God while you are an Animal of God.
Besides, he is in a better position to decide for all of us who the wrath of God of wrath chooses; he knows God too well than the rest of us, sorry, God knows him to well than the rest of us. So leave the Man of God alone let him do as he pleases, let God be the judge not you! But if you talk anyhow, I’ll descend on you and judge you as I please, because you are just an Animal of God. 
One thing I've been learned so much from my Papa is how to brag without bragging. Don't you admire the way he puts it? "I say this with all amount of humility 'my family and I can never be poor', 'I owe no man (either dead or alive) nothing', etc." I don't know why he has to remind us before the statement that he is of a humble remark like somebody was accusing of him of not? This my Papa (sha) knows how to package o. It reminds me of some folks who automatically get the licence to insult you by beginning their insult with "I don't mean to be rude or insult you..." It makes it so easy that whatever insult they shower afterwards will be covered under their earlier announced contract. Well, that one is worldly things, my Papa is just boasting in the Lord (whatever that means).

When I worked in the Ministry of education, my wicked Director one day asked me to recommend a good university for his Son who freshly left high school. Of course, Covenant University was the best revenge. I knew that his child will not last long there. True to my plans, he was expelled in his third year. What did the boy do? They said he had a porno video in his laptop. So they cast both the spirit of pornography and the boy out of the school. Hahaha!
Chai God of my Papa you too sweet; you have taken revenge for my sake. Anytime you want to recommend a school for your enemy, think of Covenant University. Your ward is more likely to be expelled in Covenant University than any other higher institution in Nigeria. Isn’t it awesome that Covenant expels more students than the rest of other schools in Nigeria? Is it that all the bad students always go to Covenant or Covenant just likes to make students bad in other to expel them? It is only a question I am asking oo before somebody slaps me for being a “witch for Christ.”

My Papa is a living testimony that once you call yourself a man of God, you can do anything and get away. My Papa has this grace that even if he shoots a person point blank on camera, the congregation will give him a standing ovation and we (the congregation) will not hesitate in joining him to shoot the poor victim and bury his corpse afterwards. What else can I say; we are showing the life of Christ and we are in fact the first candidates of heaven. Envy us we have “Papadiction”! See Also

Winners Church members are one hell of a sect. They do not mind emptying their purses into the coffers of the pastor even if that money is for the school fees for their ward. Insult them, say anything but don’t say anything against their Papa; they’ll kill you.
The easiest way to offend and break any relationship with a Winners Church member is to say something they perceive as annoying against their Papa. Even if it’s their sibling that criticizes their Papa, disowning such a “demonic” sibling is as easy as reciting Psalms 23. Well, it is not just peculiar to them. Nigerian masses are so emotionally brilliant that they will rather get angry when their preachers are discussed but will never get angry when they are humiliated and robbed by their politicians. The average religious Nigerian will rather be concerned about who and what is said about their pastor than be concerned about the man who stole from the country’s treasury. If they put them side by side and asked to choose whom to stone, the religious Nigerian will rather choose the man who criticizes his religious leader to death and release the man who stole the country’s wealth. 
My religious Nigerian folks amaze me. They know God so much that they can tell when he is angry and God is always angry when they are angry. The Nigerian God is the type who has a wrath to unleash when an animal of God talks about a man of God but will be merciful when a pastor messes up and above all, he does not desire judgment in this case. What else were you expecting from the most religious people on earth? Religious, but not genius.

However, please don’t slap me for your Papa; I am not a “witch for Christ”.

Imoh "Son of David" is a Nigerian atheist, author, publisher, businessman and he writes from South Africa. Follow him on Twitter @ImohDavid.

PASTORS, SEX AND SCANDAL

Dear Pastor, 
Grace and peace be multiplied unto you. I am optimistic that you are doing well. I have decided to write to you through this medium, not necessarily because I want to follow the evolving trend in our nation, but because ecclesiastical protocols often debar effective lay-clergy communications, particularly, pew initiated engagements that urge pastors to uphold the norms of account-giving behaviour. Again, in face-to-face context, it is not commonly seen as a mark of spiritual heroism for a pastor to share experiences or solicit help on overcoming secret vices till they become public knowledge. In fact, sexual issues are commonly seen as off-limits to explore conversationally.  
Pastor, as you can see, moral decadence is a marked feature of our time. Its ubiquity conveys the notion that we are on the eve of the collapse of our civilisation. As it was, when Roman civilisation was on the cusp of decline, so it is today. Humanity is now intellectually poised to embrace a new civilisation without shared morality, freedom without responsibility, spirituality without grace, theology without Theo, Christianity without Christ, and church without bible. The emerging climate of thought is profoundly marked by ethical haziness.  I guess that the nascent Queen James Version of the bible may become as popular as the authorised King James Version, because of the incessant moral failures of church leaders. Their failures nudge and urge influential leaders of thought to drag humanity along thorny paths of moral ambivalence.
It is common today, to find the kind of Christian C. S Lewis spoke about in his bestselling book, Mere Christianity: “A famous Christian long ago told us that when he was a young man he prayed constantly for chastity; but years later he realised that while his lips had been saying, “Oh Lord, make me chaste,” his heart had been secretly adding, “But please don’t do it just yet.” Folks with this kind of attitude set off an epidemic of drifting away from God. They would neither zip up nor shut up. They have all the trappings of God’s spokesman, but their belief-behaviour dissonance make people to drift from truth, compromise standards, and get by with sloppy living.  
Pastor, it is evident that sexually broken pastors cannot pilot churches to ever-increasing sphere of significance, fix societal ills, and guide humanity along the path of moral probity. Sexual blunders significantly impair ministerial effectiveness. A church leader that misuses his reputational capital cannot make maximum impact. I wonder if there is anything that saps the spiritual vitality of church leaders, and muffle their voices like inappropriate sexual behaviour.  Hence, some can’t decry corruption any longer. Rather, they keep company with political malfeasants. 
Consequently, experimenting with new evil has become a popular hobby. Just like the days before Martin Luther led reformation, some now openly flout ecclesiastical niceties, flaunt depravities, priest and prostitute now tango. Living like pigs, yet, they create Saint Augustine-like aura around themselves, and seek veneration as supposed apostolic authors of Acts 29. Unfortunately, the dynamites of truth hardly blast to shreds a sin-hardened conscience of a regenerated man.
Church crowd during worship service I imagine that if this trend does not abate, very soon, Christians may become flip with God to the point that pastors will exultantly speak about their illicit sexual escapades. It will be punctuated by thunderous shouts of Hallelujah. If they say something like “I am dealing with it. You see, I use to rape minors, but now I sleep only with consenting adults” people will give thanksgiving offerings for the tone down, or supposed lifestyle modification.  
There are many illusions that trigger pastor-related sexual misconducts. For example, there are church-going ladies who think they become anointed by sleeping with anointed men, like you. There are young ladies who mistakenly think it is okay for them to render sexual services to a pastor for ministering deliverance from the spirit of poverty to them. Again, there are those who at the drop of a hat will sleep with a pastor just to be projected as core in his support network. There are also those who feel their bodies are meant to tantalise men to church. In fact, I heard the latest church growth expert in town is fond of saying; to grow a mega-church, grow young women leaders.
Pastor, there is an age-old illusion that you can sleep with a sexpot on the same bed through the night, and you will be still as stone and know that God is God.  Please, don’t experiment. Otherwise, you may become a guinea pig in Satan’s lab. It is conceit to acquiesce with those who peddle the illusion that you live beyond the sphere of sin. Don’t indulge your ego and forfeit your soul. Those that say when you were anointed and appointed, your body became dead, non-responsive to visual and tactile sexual stimulants like an ice-capped man at the North Pole, seek to dig your vocational grave. Don’t allow them to take liberties with you. Build safety barriers against their influences. Cherish your well-honed character, and hard-earned reputation for integrity. If not, you may create life-long debilitating credibility gap.
Credibility, which is fuelled by purity, is the bedrock of pastoral influence. Without it, your belief and behaviour are not worthy of emulation. In other words, credibility deficit will make your influence marginal. Every pastor is bound to fight the battle of credibility. Of course, one critical arena where credibility is tested is in your relationship with the opposite sex. It is ministerial suicide to live like a pig and stream pulpit platitude like an angel. Take some lessons in sexual purity. Live a life of blazing holiness that will refute the prejudices of mean-spirited faultfinders. A pastor is a time bomb going somewhere to explode if discretion and purity are missing in his interactions with the opposite sex. If your bedroom becomes a prayer ground, you are a step away from sleeping with ladies on the altar.  Destruction is afoot whenever discretion is trivialised.

By Omozuwa Gabriel Osamwonyi  (SR)

NIGERIAN CHURCHES AND THEIR INDIVIDUAL MADNESS (PART 2) THE REDEEM CHRISTIAN CHURCH

*In Pastor Adeboye's voice* "Baba God says there is somebody that will be overtaken by his anger after reading this...."
The RCCG is the fastest growing franchise in Nigeria. Besides potential conflict zones, RCCG merchandise is just about everywhere in Nigeria including the bedroom of the oga in Aso Rock. This is to show that "Dia ris God oo". The God of Daddy Adeboye is really a "Baba God". A Baba of private jets, bank CEO clients on EFCC lists, oil magnets patronage, polithiefcians and most especially the man in Aso Rock.
Pastor Adeboye Pastor Adeboye is one "pulpitarian" that seduces my grin. Adeboye has proven that once you tell a story that begins, ends and centres around "Baba God", it can be believed by Nigerian Christians no matter how senseless and untrue it is. The RCCG Christian clan in Nigeria is one Christian sect that can believe any story with the tag of "Baba (God)." 
What is more marvelous than the fact that adults in the 21st century can believe a story that a man travelled from Benin to Lagos on an empty fuel tank? None of them saw it but someone claimed that some sky-Baba told him to travel that far without looking at his fuel gauge. Boom! Everyone believes.
Pastor Adeboye has reached the level where he can tell adults that he went for jogging in heaven before coming to mount the pulpit and the religious folks will believe. I am jealous. What can I smoke to reach the level where I can tell people stories and they'll believe it to be true whether or not it is a lie?

But I do not understand why Baba God has not told Daddy Adeboye to do a crusade in the North in places like Jigawa, Yobe, Bauchi, Borno? Haba! Borno? That is too harsh now! Even Baba does not have such imaginations to send our Daddy to Maiduguri. Baba God (*in Adeboye's voice*) is not interested in winning Boko Haram souls; he'll rather concentrate in repeating same old message to people who have already heard it in Lagos and the South. Baba does not need the souls of terrorists and almajaris, so he'll rather concern himself in giving his servant private jets, schools, offerings, tithes, etc. They are more important than the souls of Almajiris and Boko Haramists.

Isn't it awesome that Baba could make a car drive without fuel from Benin to Lagos (which nobody saw except Baba's servant), but cannot use that same power to arrest Boko Haramists? Is it that somebody's Baba cannot do that or somebody has refused to harken to that voice of Baba or perhaps somebody is afraid to come in contact with any incident that will send him to his Baba God? Hmmm, somebody is afraid to go and meet Baba. Well, it's non of my business before his social bodyguards will "kee" me.

RCCG members are to Nigeria what Ebola is to Liberia; they are an epidemic. One thing about them; they do not fail to announce their presence. Their stickers always do the talking. "Redeem family" on their door posts, on the car, in the office and if it were possible to tattoo it on their forehead, they'll do just that. Even the ones that are flying with their legs will tattoo it on their briefcases with faith that one day they'll paste it on their cars.

These folks can believe anything. A typical Redeem member can believe that he can enter Dubai and automatically and then Baba will give him the ability to speak Arabic instantaneously so that a big firm will pay him in millions of dollars to translate Arabic to English for them overnight. It's not their fault. When you believe that someone drove from Benin to Lagos on an empty fuel tank without seeing it, then you can believe anything.

The RCCG church service; well, I'll give them a C. Unlike that of Christ Embassy which full of unending drama scenes, the RCCG service can put you to snoring.

A mathematician will always be a mathematician, even in the way he talks. Is it just me that notices that Adeboye speaks like he is trying to solve arithmetic without a calculator? It is good packaging though. For it is easier to seduce people on the pulpit when you appear and sound humble. Talking that way will never anger you to slap a poor woman for saying she is "a witch for Christ". At least he is not temperamental like his Ota counterpart. Another good thing about talking that way is that it makes it so easy to go unnoticed that you are a lazy praying man.

Adeboye simply calls-out prayer topics and suffers the poor congregation to pray lengthy and chew their hearts out and after that he ends it with a short line "my Baba says it is done" and they shout Amen! After all, they won't call it laziness; it is an excuse for faith. If it was me that was praying that way they'll say I do not have a spiritual life, since there is no Daddy or Papa attached to my name; I am jealous. On the other hand, why would you have to extend your prayers when you already have private jets and a Commander-in-Client? What do you want to pray for? Leave the prayer for the poor men to tear apart.

I want to make an appeal that the dear Daddy should refrain from praying and prophesying about national issues. The first time I heard him speak about national issue was when President Jonathan wanted to contest in 2011. He said Baba God will send good leaders to Nigeria and we ended up with President Goodluck Jonathan. If president GEJ is what Baba intended to send to us, all I can say is "Baba, you can do better than this."

Few months before the subsidy removal he prayed that Baba will work on the country. Before we knew it, the President removed subsidy.

Again, he prayed and cursed Boko Haram, few weeks later Boko Haram attacked Yobe schools and now Baba's curse on Boko Haram has led to the Chibok tragedy and many more. When news broke that American soldeirs will be joining the Chibok pursuit, he said that Baba will cause the girls to be released soon. Baba must have a special kind of soon.

Whether or not Adeboye's Baba functions, nobody asks questions because nobody questions Baba's spokesman. I don't know whether Adeboye is Baba or Baba is Adeboye. Because if Baba cannot be questioned and Adeboye too cannot be questioned, it means Baba and Adeboye are the same. Well, let me keep quiet "Babatards" will nail me for talking about Baba. Babacracy, you too sweet!

Imoh "Son of David" is a Nigerian Atheist, author, publisher and business man and he writes from South Africa. Follow him on Twitter @ImohDavid.

NIGERIAN CHURCHES AND THEIR INDIVIDUAL MADNESS (PART 1)

Believers Love World, aka Christ Embassy, is my favourite clan of all the Nigerian Christian blocs.

If you are no stranger to these Christians, you’ll definitely agree that there is no funeral spirit around these guys. They are just one hell of a sui generis in the sky-daddy bandwagon.

Attend one of their services, I assure you there is no house of bedlam like the Christ Embassy church service. I call it a beautiful absurdity; an orgasmic show of religious fascism at its best. Nobody, I say it again: Nobody does the mental fascism thing better than the Christ Embassy bunch. It is so enviable that I had to dedicate my biro to this.

First of all, a moment of silence for a Christ Embassy brother somewhere, applying gel and hair relaxer on his head. Right now as you read this, an adult male somewhere is partaking in some form of fascist cosmetics in order to come close in appearance to his venerated Pastor Chris Onyakhilome; their idol of a general overseer. I heard if you are an adult male in the crew and you haven’t applied some gel and hair relaxer, then you are a novice. The sisters, droll for the brother who speaks, looks and act Pastor Chris.

Ever attended a Christ Embassy service and listened to their sermon? If the preacher is to preach for 60 minutes; 40 minutes of sermons goes this way: “Pastor Chris says….”, “Pastor Chris once said…

To the fellas: Is there any Christ Embassy female you are wooing and she is not giving in? Now, take my generous advice to the Casino:

Go get your hair some laxative product, practice some Pastor Chris accent and then memorize his fuzzy lines. Get a clean white suit. Learn to technically use words like “Zoe”, “Rhapsody”, “Grace”, “Different”, etc. Most importantly, spew your garbage very beautifully; you know that soft-madness they call “Speaking-in-tongues”? Get it right.

So you walk-up to your “Embassy” sister target with your curly hair, a pastor Chris smile on a white suit and of course amble graciously like the venerated idol, and then begin with the Pastor Chris accent:

“Hey sister, you are the “Zoe” of the year, the prophecy of the century; the one who Isaiah spoke about. You are the Rhapsody of our time, for the Grace of your beauty shall make nations fall at thy feet. Because of the supernatural auction of the word on you, you shall suck the breast of Kings and become the envy of nations. All things are mine in the holy ghost; I speak you into my bedroom lapasantrakado! Pepelepekendato! Meme suntafantakando!” And boom! It is done. Lest I forget, be sure to have Pastor Chris’ posters in your apartment, use it for your mobile wallpaper. Play Pastor Chris sermons and some Sinach’s music in your car stereo. Be 100% “Christic” and I swear she’ll be in between the sheets performing the holy ghost show.

Ever attended a Christ Embassy service and listened to their sermon? If the preacher is to preach for 60 minutes; 40 minutes of sermons goes this way: “Pastor Chris says….”, “Pastor Chris once said…”, 

“I remember when Pastor Chris talked about…”, “I learned from pastor Chris that….” etc. The remaining 20 minutes will be dedicated to motivational lines and rhetoric like “You are different!” “You are the salt of the earth”, “where men fail, you shall succeed”, “Let the world see the excellence in you”, etc. And most importantly the organizational soft-madness called “Speaking-in-tongues”, is never missing in action. Christ embassy has remixed their with version spices like “holy-ghost laughter”, “Holy-ghost worship”, etc. If you’re bored on a Sunday morning, just visit a branch and see the beauty of organizational mental fascism.

One thing that seduces me about them is their holy secularism. In this Christian sect, there is little discrimination on the appearance of a person. Wear dreadlocks, tattoos, mini-skirts, low-waist jeans, sagging pants or even walk into their auditorium with a bikini, nobody cares. “To the pure, all things are pure”, they say. Their open-arms to all is unequal; Pastor Chris is not a limited minded pastorpreneur. I am so inspired!

Yes, business man I say. Don’t kill me dear pastor “Christists”. Isn’t the gospel a business? The biblical Jesus once called it “my father’s business”, do not crucify my garrulous ass please. I know you all can catch a grenade for Pastor Chris and throw same for him. I pledge allegiance!

The Christ Embassy clan are the most intelligent and creative of all the Christian sects in Nigeria. An average Christ Embassy churchgoer is more tolerant, open-minded and creative than their other sky-band counterparts in Nigeria. Put a Christ Embassy member side by side with a TB Joshua patronizer or a Lazarus Mouka crew member, the mentality of the Christ Embassy fellow surpasses the rest.

They have a way of making their “shit” sound intelligent by applying some fancy verbiages and pseudo-philosophical rhetoric to sound nice. But shit is shit no matter how hard you try to package it in a beautiful bag. Once you open it up, it still greets your nose with it’s reputable reception.

By Imoh David